I'm coming out and freaking out

I am no stranger to coming out. I'm a lesbian that is in an interracial marriage with a foster child. I have to come out pretty much every day.

But this blog is the official coming out that I'm running a marathon. It freaks me out. In a previous post, I stated that I have completed 3 half marathons. I can tell you, that before the first half marathon, I was completely freaking out. I was freaking out so much that I did not register for the race until a month out. And even during that time, 13.1 miles seemed like a daunting task. I was just barely feeling comfortable running 3 miles when I made a decision.

I think the part that scares me is telling people. Telling all the people who asked when I was doing a marathon, and I quickly brushed them off saying, "That's crazy! Who wants to run 26.2 miles?" Telling people that I want to spend a considerable amount of my free time to go run. That I want to give up my sleeping and vegging time to put myself through pain and soreness. I believe I did not tell people that I was running the first half marathon until like 2 weeks before.

It scares me to fail. It scares me to feel like I let people down. When I started MFP, I did not tell people that I was changing my diet until a month in when they started to ask if I was losing weight. Even with my first post to this blog, I was already sharing my doubts. Keeping the thought to myself is my safeguard. If I do something, and then do not follow through, then no one will know it except me. But what am I guarding? My self-esteem? My pride? And then that questioning snowballs into "Am I being selfish", "Why do I need to do this? You need to be spending time on something else."

Another reason for not telling people because I have not found the confidence in myself to believe. In other words, this whole process of being healthy, losing weight to FINALLY be in a healthy BMI, and running are things that I NEVER EVER thought I would be able to accomplish. And I have. I've done it. But it is surreal. It is weird shopping for clothes and picking up a SMALL. It is weird that a guy could offer his jacket and I do not refuse because I know that the jacket will be 2 sizes too big for me instead of barely fitting.

I think it's time to start a new thought process. It's time to come out of the closet and let people celebrate the successes. When I linked my MFP to automatically update to my Facebook whenever I lost weight, I was embraced with such kind words and encouragement. It was the same when I started running. I started to find out that other friends were running half marathons and losing weight.

So here is my big coming out party: I'M TRAINING FOR A MARATHON!! =)